Tamworth Post Natal Depression Support Group

Falling pregnant was a complete surprise, a pleasant surprise but not one I had planned. I waited patiently for the rosy glow to happen so that I could start enjoying being pregnant, but instead I developed Symphis Pubis Dysfunction ( a separation of the pelvic bone) and ended up on crutches. I found myself resenting the bump that was growing inside me because of the intense pain that I was suffering; I was unable to stand or walk without help and found myself hating the bump for the almost unbearable pain that IT was causing me.

I pleaded in tears with my consultant who finally decided to induce me at 37 weeks. I thought that giving birth would mean the pain would be over and I could finally enjoy my baby instead of wanting to die. How wrong was I? In the first couple of days I waited for the pains to subside as promised by the consultant but it didn’t. I found myself still needing the crutches and trying to breastfeed a new born baby who was demanding feeds every half hour.

I quickly learnt that the baby had been born with a tongue-tie but I was determined that the only good thing I could do for that baby was to breastfeed so I kept trying, even when crying with pain at the same time. I still resented the baby for the pains but now felt guilt also at not being a “good enough mum”.

This guilt followed me round constantly for the first four weeks. I blamed myself for the baby not feeding or sleeping enough. I felt guilt over the resentment I was showing towards the baby but also trying to bond with IT at the same time.

Everyone had promised that I would bond instantly but I now realise looking back that it took twelve weeks for me to bond with him.

The crunch moment came at four weeks old. We were both admitted to hospital with feeding problems as the breastfeeding problems had led to him not gaining enough weight. I felt all the usual guilt but also felt like a failure now. I spent the weekend in a small room with the baby, feeling isolated as the other half was on twelve hour shifts so not able to come and help. Sheer exhaustion was also affecting me at this point. On the third morning I went for a walk to move the car. I walked out that hospital door and actually have to admit to thinking that the baby was better there and that he would never miss me if I didn’t return as I had failed him completely!

I walked for half hour before realising that I was missing him. I went back to the ward and back into the room where I just held him and cried again. I felt so much guilt at that point and still do even now that I let things get that bad! I confided in my midwife, and my other half after this point and they referred me to the group.

My other half and I managed one night of relations after ten weeks and as a result I caught for baby number two. There I was still trying to bond with my first baby and all of a sudden there was another on the way. I wanted to keep the baby right from the start and I thought that the pains would be easier to cope with if I just kept going and didn’t recover from the first baby before having any more. The second pregnancy led to all the same feelings as before but this time I was able to share them with others at the group. I now realised that I was suffering from ante-natal depression as well as post natal depression still from the first baby.