A Father's Perspective
Our daughter is now 7, but the memories of my wife's PND are still as fresh as ever - at least, they are for me. No two people will have the same experience of PND, but I thought it might be in some way helpful for me to put this on the site - to let the dads know that it's not at all wrong to feel at your wit's end from time to time, and also maybe give the mums a bit of an insight into how their partner might be feeling. But as I said, it's all very individual, so all I can do is let you know my experiences...
Depression is a very lonely illness. Certainly, my wife shut herself off from pretty much everyone - it was like trying to smash through a brick wall every time we had a conversation. Outwardly, she went through all the motions with our daughter - feeding, changing, bathing - but it was like a duty, or some kind of penance. It was very difficult for me, as a new Dad, having to adjust to being a father, and also trying to gauge how much or how little I should be doing. Most days, I seemed to get it wrong. I could see she was struggling, so I'd try to do more to help, but then there'd be a shouted "I can manage!" from my wife, and she'd resume her tasks. And then, after a very varied amount of time, I'd be accused of being lazy and not doing enough to help. So even keeping my head down wasn't working.
In fact, this led onto another observation I made during this time. Obviously, everyone who is close to someone with PND becomes very worried and concerned. And sometimes, without meaning to, they can turn their frustration and upset on the person who lives with it day on day - that's right... I actually nearly came to blows with my father in law after one heated exchange - and I've never hit anyone in my life (well, not since I was 12 years old in a school fight..)
And one of the biggest struggles I had over this time was trying to persuade my wife that she needed help. There was absolutely no way my wife would accept that anything was wrong. One thing I did was to start writing my feelings down in a sort of daily diary thing, and I encouraged her to do the same. After two days, she read what I felt about the situation, burst into tears, and made an appointment to see her GP the same day. And from then on, things improved dramatically.
I can't stress enough how valuable groups such as this are. In addition, my wife had a very strong reluctance to take any form of antidepressant - I think this is because it would have told her that she needed "treatment" or "help", and she didn't want to accept that. But the help we had at the time was fantastic, and, eventually, we all pulled through. It's not an easy journey, and it takes a lot of time, but it does get better.
So do I have any advice for any Dads out there? It's a difficult thing to cope with, and most days, you'll feel like you're doing everything wrong. You'll be around when she doesn't want you around, and you won't be there when she needs you. Stick with it. Support her in any way you can. Encourage her to get as much help as she needs. Try not to get drawn into petty arguments (easy to say in retrospect, but I didn't manage it at the time). And if it gets too much for you, there's nothing wrong with speaking to someone about it. Obviously, the focus during PND is with the sufferer, but only you know how you are feeling, and it's sometimes better to let it out than bottle it up.
Good luck and best wishes to all of you.
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